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By: caliban17, Eric Engelhard
Apr 12 2010 1:08am
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Part 0: Introduction
Part 1: (#1-12): Banhammerin'
Part 2: (#13-29): The Problem Children
Part 3: (#30-46): The Ones That Even WotC Thinks Are Pretty Good
Part 4: (#47-65): The Ones That Are Also Good, and Then the Ones That Might Be Good if You Squint
Part 5: (#66-80): The Forgotten Legends
Part 6: (#81-98): Portal: My Three Kingdoms for a Horse

(Bonus points for life for the first person to identify the origin of "Beyond Lies the WUB" without using Google.  Or a crappier search engine.  Just using your head and stuff.)

Color Hosers are kind of like Magic's "get off my lawn" crotchety old men, mixed with a healthy dose of previous-generation color-based prejudice, which I'll call "colorism".  In the early days, Magic design LOVED color hosers to a slightly disturbing degree.  They couldn't help but put like 10 or 20 into every single set, until it finally culminated in Tempest, where sideboards became crammed with some of the meanest, most unfair and one-sided color hosers ever printed.  After that, they decided that perhaps things like Perish, Chill and Light of Day just made things a little too unfair.  A bit too much like a coin flip where if you draw one of them you win instantly, and otherwise you actually have to you know, play Magic or whatever.

So for many years after that, we only had super crappy hosers.  Like that whole "Legate" thing that we'd all rather forget about entirely.  As an aside, apparently a "Legate" is a papal envoy.  And combined, all five of them fight about as well as a defrocked priest. I'm not going to be able to do a review of Masques block in this series, so I have to get my digs in where I can.

Recently, they've backtracked a bit on the bad hosing, and we've gotten a lot better targeted hosing like Celestial Purge and Deathmark.  Hosers that can trade one for one really efficiently, instead of invalidating your entire deck and the reason you play Magic at all.  So the proud tradition of color hosers lives on, but in a slightly more fair form.

Just for insane sticklers like myself - the definition of a color hoser is a card that mentions another color or another basic land in a way that offers an advantage to the caster of the spell or a disadvantage to the color mentioned because of that.  So green cards with forestwalk don't count.  Neither does "can't be countered" or "damage can't be prevented" cards - those aren't actually hosing blue or white itself.  Also, color hosers do not include things like Reality Twist - helping your own color is just what a color does, and is not hosing all four other colors, even though it may mention the other colors or lands.  Same thing with cards that help just their allies - they're not also hosing their enemies.  It gets a little complicated with Hybrid cards (Oh, Oversoul of Dusk, how I love thee), but luckily, those were still slumbering inside of Mark Rosewater's feverish waking dream that he calls "designing magic" when these sets came out.

White on Black Hosers:
Probably the first thing you think of when you think of color hosing in general is some uppity white card sticking it to an evil black card.  Yeah, all of those cards you are thinking about are already online.  Even good old Karma.  We're left with the dregs of the dregs.

99.

Black Ward
Let's get this out of the way, as we're going to be doing four of them today. (White Ward doesn't hose!)  They are completely, 100% obsoleted by Tempest's awesome Flickering Ward.  Yes, they all suck so bad that they were combined into a single aura for the same cost that can also *bonus* return itself to hand and it still isn't playable in any kind of constructed.  Even Tempest Block.  Oh, enchant creatures, why do they even bother printing you anymore if your name isn't Rancor...

Normally, black creatures would paint this kind of skull thing onto themselves in blood to ward off white creatures.  I just don't think slavering monstrosities summoned from the swamps are going to be frightened by this pictogram.  "Hey, that kind of looks like my cousin Earl!  *chomp*"
VERDICT: NO.

100.

Black Scarab
On the other hand, while not the greatest cycle ever made, these actually are kinda useful.  A +2/+2 bonus for a single mana is better than other auras without conditionals, and the fact that it can't be blocked by black creatures makes it so that they can't chump block with a black creature to get rid of your bonus.  And the not being blocked by black part, while certainly not as useful as actual protection from black, proved itself in Shadowmoor on the Raven's Run Dragoon cycle that it's ok for limited.  Plus, it's five cool pieces of Egyptian-themed beetle-based artwork!
VERDICT: YES (C).  Decent sideboard card in limited.

101.

Drought
The first of many bad white hosing enchantments for 2WW.  If you can read through all the tiny, tiny type on this card, you discover that basically, it makes black have to sacrifice a swamp every time they do something blacky with a black mana symbol.  And yes, hybrid symbols count, so even if he pays all red mana for his hopefully non-genital shaped version of Demigod of Revenge, he will still have to sacrifice five swamps.  In his All-In-Red deck which is mono-red.  Ok, I never said it was a good hoser.  It certainly is not.

It's particularly not good what with the two mana-upkeep and the bonus of not affecting the board until after you're dead and not keeping black creatures from attacking you.  Tapping two mana a turn forever in the hope that eventually they'll sacrifice at least two swamps to make up for it?  Not the greatest way to spend an enchantment or a piece of cardboard, or in our case, electrons.  Even if it didn't have a horrendously steep upkeep for no reason, it still would be unplayable, because with 15 years of non-basic lands, hosing a color's basic land types is just way suckier than doing it the other way.
VERDICT: NO.  I like the art, though.  It's like some paper-mache school project gone horribly out of control.

102.

Serra Inquisitors
Creeeeeeeeeee-py.  That guy in front seriously reminds me of Stanley Tucci's character from The Lovely Bones.  You know the guy I mean.  You can tell this guy takes the whole Inquisitor thing a little too seriously and has let the power go to his head.  I can see him peeping into people's windows at night, trying to catch them in an act of unholiness so that he can torture them about it later.  And what's with the matching space age jumpsuits among these middle-aged single guys?  Do they have some kind of internet club?  It just adds an extra level of disturbing.  This card is like an episode of Law and Order: SVU waiting to happen.
VERDICT: NO.  Keep extremely creepy balding guys out of my decks!  I think we need to have some kind of offender registry so we can know where he is in our binders at all times.  Ok, he's not totally embarrassing to play in limited formats and could sneak in at common (he likes being with all the "small creatures" that he can dominate), but only if you need him.  He wants you to need him.

102a.
Rashka the Slayer
This illustrious group of White-on-Black hosers also includes Rashka the Slayer, who was #78 in the Forgotten Legends article.  I have to admit that yes, she technically 'hoses' black.  She was sort of white's answer to Sengir Vampire, despite the throbbing vein in her neck that's clearly visible.  She's still a big NO.  And that's it for what's left in White vs Black.

IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE ONLY ONE (WHITE ON BLACK): Black Scarab at common, definitely.

White on Red Hosers:
There are more of this kind of hosers left off-line than any other kind, and perhaps it's because white has always had such an ill-defined hoser relationship with red.  Since Invasion, White's supposedly all order, and red's supposedly all about the chaos, but these older hosers ignore all that and pick on red for a number of other fun reasons instead.  Like: mountains are too tall, sunrise over mountains is too pretty, red isn't heroic enough, red doesn't show up for its court cases, and red spends too much time in the sauna.

103.

Conversion
Argh!  It's another basic-land based hoser enchantment costing 2WW with an upkeep cost!  This one is both more classic and possibly slightly more useful than our first entry.  This at least has a small chance of preventing the opponent from actually casting the spell that's going to kill you.

This card and Blood Moon have a strange relationship.  It's good against decks packing Blood Moon, because those tend to be All-In Red decks or similar, and once this hits play, the dependencies do stack, etc, and they end up with nothing but plains.  And it's also good with decks packing Blood Moon, because then Conversion will stop your opponent's non-basics from letting them get useful mana, and white is perpetually the worst color in any format that's not standard or block.

Basically, if it cost the same as Blood Moon like it should and didn't have this upkeep nonsense, it might actually be playable.  As it is... meh.  I did play it back in the day but I played Scathe Zombies too so you should probably take that with an extra-sized grain of salt.  We played with everything back then, because there were only 500 different cards total, and your white deck consisted of every white card you owned plus 7 you borrowed from your friend.  And forgot to return.  Sorry, Mark!

This card also totally stole the good name of "Conversion" for its effect.  When I think of a white spell called "Conversion", coming from the color of clerics, monks, inquisitors, and witch hunters, the first thing that pops into my mind isn't "let's bulldoze those mountains and convert them to condominiums."  But that's exactly what this spell does.
VERDICT: NO.  Definitely some nostalgia here, but in the end, goofy interactions aside, Circle of Protection: Red is just way better and always has been.  This card was obsolete before it was printed. In Alpha.

104.

Red Ward
-Look Ma!  It's a bloody four-leaf-clover!
-No son, it's four fishhooks connected end to end.
-Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear.  I think it rather looks like the inside of a blender.
-Wait, what are we talking about here?  That crazy bubble-letter swastika?
VERDICT: NO.  Whatever the heck it is.  I feel like I need Robert Langdon to explain the symbology to me.  And then we find out it ties into Truman's decision to drop the Atomic Bomb or something, while French albino people try to kill us.

105.

Repentant Blacksmith
This is the first of several Drew Tucker pieces that we're going to review in this series.  Now, let me preface, I do not hate every piece of art the man has done.  I love the artwork on DanDan with the subtle fish, it's my favorite from Arabian Nights.  All of his modern stuff from Time Spiral on has been quite good.  He's one of Magic's few impressionistic artists, and I applaud that.

However, sometimes his art suffers from a syndrome I like to call "Draw Three Lines and Call it a Werewolf."  His art can be just a little too vague about what's actually happening in the artwork, who's in it, ohmygawd is that legal, and did they actually place this art on the correct card or in the correct game.  Most famously demonstrated on his "humping Necrites", a bit of a shame it was included in ME2 with the good art, because now we won't review it, and an art major could write a doctoral thesis on that card.

Here, there's a naked Neandrathal guy(?) at a forge with a guy(?) in a white thing who doesn't have legs(?) and who's entire body is so out of proportion it looks like his pants hovers in the air three feet in front of him.  He's either holding a hammer in front of some window shade(?) or else the room is decorated in Japanese paper lanterns.  Which would be an interesting choice for an Arabian blacksmith with giant flames shooting out of his forge.  Or maybe it's just novelty orange-colored smoke.  Also, I don't know what he's so repentant about.  His job is to be a blacksmith and cultivate his pro-red ness.  He should be pro-red and loud and proud of it!  Not all quiet and repentant.  Unless he's repentant about having this artwork, that I could understand.

Also, in one of the largest cases of mis-categorizing rarity ever, he was a rare in Magic's rarest ever expansion set. Until they reprinted him as a common in the dreaded Chronicles.  And then common again in Fifth Edition.  In Arabian Nights, I 'd just like to point out that HE'S RARER THAN BAZAAR OF BAGHDAD.  Yet how much does a minty AN copy go for?  $3.  How much does every other comparable bad rare from AN like Singing Tree that's never been reprinted go for?  $15.  That right there is the exact monetary difference between widely reprinting and not reprinting for classic paper cards. 

(Personally, I really don't understand this difference.  Either you're trying to put together an Arabian Nights set, in which case you need all the bad rares, or you're trying to actually play the game of Magic and build decks, in which case you don't need any bad Arabian Nights rares.  Is there some phantom category of people who want one of every card but don't care what printing it's from?  I've never met anyone like that, but it could happen.  Enough to jack up the price 5x for the same total amount of supply?  Seems unlikely.)
VERDICT: YES (C).  Oh, he's greatly outclassed by the likes of Kor Firewalker, Silver Knight, Soltari Priest, and Crimson Acolyte.  And directly outclassed by Disciple of Law.  But he's pretty nostalgic and would be fine at common.  Plus, it's white.  What else are you going to put in that spot?  A vanilla-flavored unicorn?

106.

Lifeblood
Welcome to Obsolescent City.  Population: You.  Lifeblood makes its home in the borough of Archaic, neat the intersection of Superseded Street and Has-Been Circle.  It lives on food stamps and selling jewelry it made itself from scrap metal.  *sigh*  Just click the link.

Yes, yet ANOTHER white enchantment for 2WW that is mind-numbingly insanely over-costed for what it does, which is barely worth doing in the first place.  I mean, they reprinted this card, but decided to cut its mana cost in half just for the heck of it. And no one played it still.  There aren't too many cards in Magic that are bad enough that you could make it cost half as much, and still everyone forgets that the new version even exists, it's so bad. 

The artwork at least is pretty bad-ass, though I've always wondered about her bee-hive hairdo.  Is this some kind of 1960s soccer mom turned planeswalker?  That would be pretty scary.  Also, this awesome artwork clearly belongs on some kind of red card with the word "blood" in the title instead of a white card.  Boiling Blood, Bloodfire Dwarf, Bloodfire Infusion, Blood Frenzy, Song of Blood, something like that.  There's nothing the least bit white about this artwork.  It's in my top ten of all time for "wildly inappropriate artwork for its color".
VERDICT: NO.  Don't you dare.

107.

Heroism
So I can sacrifice a white dude to fog out red creatures, well, except for the ones they pay for.
Problem 1)
There's lots of creatures who can 'fog out' red creatures already using the amazing unheard of ability known as "protection from red".  Without sacrificing themselves and letting the opponent have an escape clause. If you do feel like sacrificing your dudes, for a single mana Burrenton Forge-Tender can stop two red creatures in the same turn.  Or Kami of False Hope, who just fogs everybody.  You should probably use them instead.
Problem 2)
Red creatures are almost always high-power low-toughness, while your white creatures will tend to be low-power high-toughness.  Basically, if your guys are big enough to block and not die, you should probably do that instead.  If they're not, just blocking and trading has the same result as using this ability, except that their creature might also die, and they don't get an easy escape clause.

That being said, it's not awful if you're playing against Ball Lightning.dec and he's trampling all over you and stuff and spends his mana every turn and his creatures all die at end of turn.  But that's the one narrow instance where this might be semi-playable if you squint.  And yet again, it's STILL just not better than Circle of Protection: Red

Wait  a second...

No way.  Is that a baby in his arms?  *goes to MTGO, clicks on non-MTGO cards and blows it up huge*  DUDE, that totally is a baby in his arms.  What is it with baby-themed Magic artwork lately?  And by lately, I mean "the years 1993-1999".  What is really going on with this art, anyway?  Heroic white guy but dressed in red rescues baby from poorly-anatomied phantom demons that are supposedly red but obviously black? Does he sacrifice the baby to ensure his own safe passage, by tossing the tyke to the hungry demons, who can then pay 3 to resist the urge to eat some baby???  Or maybe the demons are the white "heroes", heroically sacrificing themselves to stop the red creature in armor from stealing the baby they were guarding?  I'm pretty sure it's not that the guy in armor is sacrificing himself, because he would just be abandoning the baby in the middle of a demon poppy field.

Speaking of inappropriate for its color artwork, why is our white heroic dude wearing an exact red version of Warlord's armor?  With that same faux-Imperial Crest of Russia?  Did they not think that any MAGIC PLAYERS read comic books?  Seriously?
VERDICT: NO.  I'm not quite sure about the flavor of "Heroism" contained in this card.  It's more like "kidnapping" mixed with "light plagiarism".

108.

Justice
I don't know who this guy is, but he looks way too bad-ass to be on a white card.  Typical white guys?  More like Mother of Runes or Mtenda Herder or Sacred Guide or Academy Rector.  This guy?  Like he stepped out of a Yu-Gi-Oh booster pack, wet his hair down from the spiky fro, and onto this card like 8 years before Yu-Gi-Oh was invented.

He also really, really strongly reminds me of someone specific from my childhood, but I can't quite place him.  Like a specific anime dude.  Or from a video game.  Like, maybe Bionic Commando?  Robotech?  Comment section, help?  Anyone else get a weird Deja Vu feeling?

As for the card... gee, look Ma, it's ANOTHER white enchantment for 2WW.  And what's that I spy?  ANOTHER WW upkeep cost?  Wonderful.  This was Drought's opposite number from Ice Age.  And while it's more useful because it's hosing, you know, the actual color instead of basic lands they're probably not running, it's still not great. Cause it's a trigger, it'll trigger long after you're dead from a Banefire to the face for 17.

But wait, what's that I spy?  The actual text of the card in that tiny, tiny font?  See, back in the day, Justice did not work like this - it still was a trigger, but it triggered based on the damage they assigned you, not based on the damage you actually took.  You could prevent all or part of it, and they still took the full damage.  Even when it was reprinted in "we reprint anything" 5th edition, they left the wording as "assign" damage, not "deal" damage.

Gottlieb, fix this!  This is like one of those Stephen Colbert viewer challenges, except only you can submit a video of yourself with a lightsaber, or in this case errata this card.  I know it's tricky to count things that have been prevented, but c'mon, you made Illusionary Mask work like it's supposed to, and before you did that I was thinking of just writing on my copy in permanent marker.  You can do this!
VERDICT:  NO, if it doesn't get errata like it should.  Still probably NO even if it does, but at least then it could be potentially combo-riffic.  It doesn't say "opponent's" spell or creature... let your Johnny wheels turn.  Something involving Sphere of LawMogg Maniac?

109.

Red Scarab
He's got the whole world, in his hands... the whole giant red rubber ball, in his hands...
VERDICT: YES (C). I'm going to have a whole article, maybe two, devoted to terrible auras.  Put these in a set somewhere so you aren't tempted to put in other terrible, terrible auras.

110.

Renewing Dawn
The opposite number of Starlight, which was randomly put into 7th edition as a hoser because they chickened out on all the good ones.  This one is kind of like Sanctimony/Lifeblood for the greedy, where you just get all of your life up front, no waiting around for them to cast spells or whatever.  Would be great in multiplayer if they hadn't changed it to say "target opponent", but so would almost every other bad life gain effect.

It has amazing John Avon artwork, which is almost like a definition.  So does the original version of Starlight, which for some insane reason they threw out and replaced with the one linked above.  You don't throw out John Avon artwork.  That's like hiring someone at enormous cost to paint over your Da Vinci.  Magic could produce a set where every card was a John Avon landscape or a close-ups of hands.  The man draws the crap out of hands.  It wouldn't even need any creatures or anything, and it would still be the best-selling set ever.
VERDICT:  NO.  I can always just make it my desktop background and be just as happy.  Get on that, Wallpaper of the Week!  But I still think that they should have a rule that John Avon and Donato only get to illustrate GOOD cards, so we can play with them.  They made Donato illustrate Air Bladder, for cryin out loud!

IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE ONLY ONE (WHITE ON BLACK): Red Scarab at common as part of that cycle.  Repentant Blacksmith would be fine, too, as a random dude, and Justice might be interesting if you fix it.

White on Black and Red Hosers:
111.

Sacred Knight
Portal's answer to Paladin En-Vec - because anyone who was dumb enough to buy Portal obviously wouldn't understand or be able to pronounce the word "Paladin".  So instead they had to DEFINE the word Paladin for you as "Sacred Knight".  Yeah, thanks for that, genius WotC marketing department behind Portal.  Also his flavor text is about as obvious as you can get without saying "I come from the white plains and three other places of indeterminate origin and can't be intercepted by creatures from the red mountains or black swamps in my attacking."  Yeah, we really appreciate you explaining the entire card all over again, Mr. Flavor Text.
VERDICT: YES (C). Whatever the flaws of Captain Obvious here, he's got amazing artwork by Donato Giancola, therefore I want him.  He'll be a great hill giant in Limited.  Also, random trivia, he's the most obscure of the 4 classic mono-white creatures with power greater than toughness (and that isn't 2/1) until Kamigawa block's Kami of the Palace Fields finally broke that trend after ten or so years.  Can you name the other three?  Or cheat and look them up?

White Hates on Everybody Equally Hosers:
White is a weird color.  Basically, entirely because of the Circle of Protection and Ward cycle in Alpha, it got this reputation where it has this insatiable need to hose its allies.  And itself.  And artifacts.  And random creature types.  And if they let it get away with protection from cardboard or protection from human hands, I'm sure white would do that, too.  If white could live in a germ-free oxygen tent forever and just play MTGO, it'd be content.  So would some of our readers, I'm sure.

These will be super fast, I promise.
112.

Blue Ward
VERDICT: NO!  To the spiky wave.

113.

Green Ward
VERDICT: NO!  To the mitochondrial DNA.

114.

Blue Scarab
VERDICT: YES!  To the clockwork bug.

115.

Green Scarab
VERDICT: YES!  To the junior high charm bracelet, circa 2500 BC.

Done.  *applause*

Well, I just got a note from the Internet.  It told me that I've used too much space, and that it's just run out.  While I was planning to do the Blue and Black hosers today, I guess you'll just have to wait until somebody deletes their Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers fan page so I can post another article. See you next week!

SUMMARY:

NEXT WEEK:  If The Internet lets me, you'll see more from the wonderland that is colors being really petulant and mean to each other.  None of this Guild/Shard cooperation crap!

15 Comments

I think 'Justice' guy is out by Shady Dan (not verified) at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 04:02
Shady Dan's picture

I think 'Justice' guy is out of Ninja Scroll.

drought by GainsBanding at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 04:47
GainsBanding's picture

I get what you're saying about Drought and how it doesn't stop black spells from being cast (as long as the opponent has swamps available to sac) or creatures from attacking. But I don't get what you're saying about non-basics. If the opponent has to sac a swamp for every black mana spent, doesn't that mean he can't cast a black spell if he has no swamps, or not enough swamps, to sacrifice? What do non-basics have to do with it?

If he uses a bunch of by caliban17 at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 08:39
caliban17's picture

If he uses a bunch of non-basic lands that produce black mana, Drought doesn't affect him, like, at all. And 15 years later, there's just plenty of good non-basics that can produce colored mana, such that non mono-black/Cabal Coffers decks are generally only running a few actual "Swamps".

That's what I wrote... and then I RTFC again.

Uh, yes, it's actually an "additional cost to cast" black spells. Which will sort of prevent your opponent from casting them if they don't have enough swamps to sacrifice. And makes the card much better, though still probably not in the "playable" category because of the stupid 2 mana upkeep.

But good eye! I'll chalk this one up to really, really tiny font.

If you really want to hose by AJ_Impy at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 10:31
AJ_Impy's picture

If you really want to hose black with this, run Urborg, tomb of Yawgmoth. Nonbasic schmonbasic.

I used to kill my opponent by rayjinn at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 04:57
rayjinn's picture

I used to kill my opponent with his own justice, using Chaoslace. I colored the justice red and did some damage. Needless to say. We didn't see many justice after that and Ironclaw Orcs continued their awesomenes. Ahhh those were the days

I for one would rather have a by Paul Leicht at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 10:52
Paul Leicht's picture

I for one would rather have a vanilla flavored unicorn than a repentant blacksmith. Unicorns are needed to fill out my tribal decks.

Heh. I'll be sure to keep by caliban17 at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:31
caliban17's picture

Heh. I'll be sure to keep that in mind when I get to the three off-line unicorns (two of which are vanilla).

You should play your unicorn tribal deck against a Bella Sara deck and make some 8 year old girl cry when you tap 4 mana and have to tell her God is angry and has destroyed all of her horses.

Ummmmm by Scartore at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 11:00
Scartore's picture

"Does he sacrifice the baby to ensure his own safe passage, by tossing the tyke to the hungry demons"
I had a character do that very thing in a D&D game last year. Very sad, but it was him or me...

Justice guy also kind of by Cownose (not verified) at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:38
Cownose's picture

Justice guy also kind of looks like Sephiroth

I think you got it! I think by caliban17 at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:43
caliban17's picture

I think you got it! I think that is who I was thinking of... black armor, white hair, unnecessary shoulder-pads, constantly surrounded by flames for no good reason...

Any relation by midnight_dancer at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 14:16
midnight_dancer's picture

to David Lee?

Im not sure who the guy on by ShardFenix at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 13:12
ShardFenix's picture

Im not sure who the guy on Justice is supposed to be but he is also the same guy as the artwork on Surge of Strength from alliances...

You know, it could be that by caliban17 at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 14:18
caliban17's picture

You know, it could be that too! Ah, Deja Vu. Same artist, same guy in picture. I wonder if he has an official Magic Universe name or anything.

That's what I'm wondering by ShardFenix at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 20:15
ShardFenix's picture

That's what I'm wondering though the storyline from Ice Age is sooo old I cant remember it.

"his hopefully non-genital by DJ (not verified) at Mon, 04/12/2010 - 17:19
DJ's picture

"his hopefully non-genital shaped version of Demigod of Revenge" <----LOL