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Alluring Siren
The ground polluted floats with human gore,
And human carnage taints the dreadful shore
Fly swift the dangerous coast: let every ear
Be stopp'd against the song! 'tis death to hear!
But certain creatures, when this is in play,
Still would have attacked you anyway.
Since such a state does frequently transpire,
The Siren is just a weaker Squire.
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Balduvian Barbarians
From the snowy slopes of Kaelor,
To the canyons of Bandu,
We drink and fight and feast and die
As we were born to do.
But not all items listed
Can we all do all that well;
It's really just the last of them
Wherein we may excel.
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Blanchwood Armor
Braid her branches, life fulfilling
Goddess loving, Goddess killing.
Think of all the games this wrecked.
Quite an upgrade from Aspect!
(Of Wolf).
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Blaze
Spreading flames illumined cloud and sea:
Cao Cao went down; 'twas Zhou Yu's victory.
All the game was Cao Cao way ahead.
Zhou Yu said "X equals 12; you're dead."
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Bog Wraith
'Twas in the bogs of Cannelbrae
My mate did meet an early grave
'Twas nothing left for us to save
In the peat-filled bogs of Cannelbrae.
Though "Cannelbrae" fits those lines well,
There's no such place, I'm sad to tell.
A rhyme's a cheat if there's made-up words.
Anyone can do that. Zappleblurds.
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Carapace
The tougher to crack,
the sweeter the snack.
Unless this card's wearer
Is something like Plaguebearer.
(Blech.)
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Caustic Tar
Twisted magic, twisted fate
Force the land to ooze with hate.
Force it on the caster, too.
This is all six mana can do?
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Chain Stasis
We went to the studio and then we made a video
We didn't make a movie though, maybe the next year or so
Yo, I got a message for my fans and friends
The last album was dope y'all, and here we go again!
(Hey, it's the first thing the flavor text made me think of.)
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Chub Toad
Chub Toad, Chub Toad
At the door.
Run away quick
Or you'll run no more.
Help! A squirrel!
Yikes! A bee!
(Why do we scare
So easily?)
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Crumble
Ashes and dust; dust and ashes.
Hope it works before it smashes.
Speaking of working, Crumble is lame.
Just use Oxidize or Nature's Claim.
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Dakkon Blackblade
My power is as vast as the plains,
my strength is that of the mountains.
Each wave that crashes upon the shore
thunders like blood in my veins.
Mountains, waves, and plains?
I've only hit three of the five.
"The trees and swamps give me might"
Now I've said all the terrain!
(This may be the first ever ABCA rhyme scheme I've seen. Or was it not meant to be a poem in the first place? But it has such meter. Almost perfect dactyl.)
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Demolish
Pound the steel until it fits.
Doesn't work? Bash to bits.
And if that won't do the deed?
Better yet—Shattering Spree.
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Dwarven Driller
Drill the planet, it's no trouble:
Mining granite, making rubble.
Here is where the trouble comes in:
Trying to play these Dwarves and win.
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Dwarven Weaponsmith
Work with zeal as hammers peal!
Melt, anneal, and pound the steel!
If you're wondering how we wrote this,
Simple answer: a thesaurus.
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Early Harvest
Earth's increase, foison plenty,
Barns and garners never empty:
Vines with clust'ring bunches growing;
Plants with goodly burden bowing.
Picture now a small green citrus,
Like a lemon, but tastes diff'rent.
Citrofortunella. Lime.
(I too said one thing four times.)
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Ekundu Cyclops
Big one I,
One big eye.
One-eye see
Two-eye die!
This whole pic
Kind of sick
What would Freud
Make of it?
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Funeral March
This party is such fun—
but it's a shame to mourn just one.
This makes the fun bigger?
Waiting around for March to trigger?
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Grave Robbers
If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.
Hey, pass me that skull.
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Goldenglow Moth
Little moth, fluttering bright,
What luck will you bring tonight?
If I knew how little luck,
I'd have never picked this up.
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Iron Tusk Elephant
The fury in the lion's eye;
the patience in the hippo's yawn;
the pride within the griffin's cry
are one within the iron tusk's stride.
Another way to say all of that,
if you'll let me paraphrase:
You can tell by the way he use his walk
he's a woman's man, no time to talk.
—with creative consultation from the Bee Gees
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Kobold Overlord
One for all, all for one;
We strike first, and then you're done!
Our power is one, our toughness is two.
Why are we reading the rules text to you?
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Phyrexian Hulk
It doesn't think. It doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk till dawn
Is make the soldiers die.
But some of them are much too big
For this guy to retire.
For instance there's the aptly named
Auriok Survivors.
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Quarum Trench Gnomes
O Great Captain, all is lost.
They tunneled, they burrowed, they trenched.
Our plans to cast a Blood of the Martyr
And Dawn Elemental were wrenched.
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Spined Sliver
Slivers are evil and slivers are sly;
And if you get eaten, then no one will cry.
Uh oh, Rhetoric overheard us,
And he is going to call CPS.
—(how is this a) Mogg children's rhyme
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Squall
Tonight the winds begin to rise...
The rocks are blown about the skies...
All of this deals only two?
Rocks deal less than Needles do?
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Squire
Of twenty yeer of age he was, I gesse.
Of his stature he was of even lengthe,
And wonderly deliver, and greete of strengthe.
That was sarcasm at the end.
He's famously weak, a 1/2 wimp.
Just look at his mangled purple limb.
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Starlight
Even in the darkest night
Stars and angels still shine bright.
Just what makes those angels shine?
Were they eating zinc sulfide?
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Will-o'-The-Wisp
About, about in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.
In case you didn't read through that
It called the wisps "death-fires."
Is that a fitting name to call
A measly 0/1 flier?
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1 Comments
This sort of article doesn't usually excite me, but I enjoyed this very much. I hope you continue to bring unique content to the site in the new year much as you have in the past. Cheers.