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By: CottonRhetoric, Cotton Rhetoric
Jan 01 2014 8:11am
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Last time, I took cards with poems in their flavor text, and added a second verse to each so as to comment on the card.

Here's a bunch more of those.

 

Alluring Siren          

Alluring Siren

The ground polluted floats with human gore,
And human carnage taints the dreadful shore
Fly swift the dangerous coast: let every ear
Be stopp'd against the song! 'tis death to hear!

But certain creatures, when this is in play,
Still would have attacked you anyway.
Since such a state does frequently transpire,
The Siren is just a weaker Squire.

 

       
Balduvian Barbarians    

Balduvian Barbarians

From the snowy slopes of Kaelor,
To the canyons of Bandu,
We drink and fight and feast and die
As we were born to do.

But not all items listed
Can we all do all that well;
It's really just the last of them
Wherein we may excel.

       
Blanchwood Armor    

Blanchwood Armor

Braid her branches, life fulfilling
Goddess loving, Goddess killing.

Think of all the games this wrecked.
Quite an upgrade from Aspect!
(Of Wolf).

       
Blaze    

Blaze

Spreading flames illumined cloud and sea:
Cao Cao went down; 'twas Zhou Yu's victory.

All the game was Cao Cao way ahead.
Zhou Yu said "X equals 12; you're dead."

       
Bog Wraith    

Bog Wraith

'Twas in the bogs of Cannelbrae
My mate did meet an early grave
'Twas nothing left for us to save
In the peat-filled bogs of Cannelbrae.

Though "Cannelbrae" fits those lines well,
There's no such place, I'm sad to tell.
A rhyme's a cheat if there's made-up words.
Anyone can do that. Zappleblurds.

       
Carapace    

Carapace

The tougher to crack,
the sweeter the snack.

Unless this card's wearer
Is something like
Plaguebearer
.

(Blech.)

       
Caustic Tar    

Caustic Tar

Twisted magic, twisted fate
Force the land to ooze with hate.

Force it on the caster, too.
This is all six mana can do?

       
Chain Stasis    

Chain Stasis

We went to the studio and then we made a video
We didn't make a movie though, maybe the next year or so
Yo, I got a message for my fans and friends
The last album was dope y'all, and here we go again!

 

(Hey, it's the first thing the flavor text made me think of.)

       
Chub Toad    

Chub Toad

Chub Toad, Chub Toad
At the door.
Run away quick
Or you'll run no more.

Help! A squirrel!
Yikes! A bee!
(Why do we scare
So easily?)

       
Crumble    

Crumble

Ashes and dust; dust and ashes.
Hope it works before it smashes.

Speaking of working, Crumble is lame.
Just use Oxidize or Nature's Claim.

       
Dakkon Blackblade    

Dakkon Blackblade

My power is as vast as the plains,
my strength is that of the mountains.
Each wave that crashes upon the shore
thunders like blood in my veins.

Mountains, waves, and plains?
I've only hit three of the five.
"The trees and swamps give me might"
Now I've said all the terrain!

 

(This may be the first ever ABCA rhyme scheme I've seen.  Or was it not meant to be a poem in the first place?  But it has such meter.  Almost perfect dactyl.)

       
Demolish    

Demolish

Pound the steel until it fits.
Doesn't work? Bash to bits.

And if that won't do the deed?
Better yet—Shattering Spree.

       
Dwarven Driller    

Dwarven Driller

Drill the planet, it's no trouble:
Mining granite, making rubble.

Here is where the trouble comes in:
Trying to play these Dwarves and win.

       
Dwarven Weaponsmith    

Dwarven Weaponsmith

Work with zeal as hammers peal!
Melt, anneal, and pound the steel!

If you're wondering how we wrote this,
Simple answer: a thesaurus.

       
Early Harvest    

Early Harvest

Earth's increase, foison plenty,
Barns and garners never empty:
Vines with clust'ring bunches growing;
Plants with goodly burden bowing.

Picture now a small green citrus,
Like a lemon, but tastes diff'rent.
Citrofortunella. Lime.
(I too said one thing four times.)

       
Ekundu Cyclops    

Ekundu Cyclops

Big one I,
One big eye.
One-eye see
Two-eye die!

This whole pic
Kind of sick
What would Freud
Make of it?

       
Funeral March    

Funeral March

This party is such fun—
but it's a shame to mourn just one.

This makes the fun bigger?
Waiting around for March to trigger?

       
Grave Robbers    

Grave Robbers

If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

Hey, pass me that skull.

       
Goldenglow Moth    

Goldenglow Moth

Little moth, fluttering bright,
What luck will you bring tonight?

If I knew how little luck,
I'd have never picked this up.

       
Iron Tusk Elephant    

Iron Tusk Elephant

The fury in the lion's eye;
the patience in the hippo's yawn;
the pride within the griffin's cry
are one within the iron tusk's stride.

Another way to say all of that,
if you'll let me p
araphrase:
You can tell by the way he use his walk
he's a woman's man, no time to talk.

—with creative consultation from the Bee Gees

       
Kobold Overlord    

Kobold Overlord

One for all, all for one;
We strike first, and then you're done!

Our power is one, our toughness is two.
Why are we reading the rules text to you?

       
Phyrexian Hulk    

Phyrexian Hulk

It doesn't think. It doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk till dawn
Is make the soldiers die.

But some of them are much too big
For this guy to retire.
For instance there's the aptly named
Auriok Survivors.

       
Quarum Trench Gnomes    

Quarum Trench Gnomes

O Great Captain, all is lost.
They tunneled, they burrowed, they trenched.

Our plans to cast a Blood of the Martyr
And Dawn Elemental were wrenched.

       
Spined Sliver    

Spined Sliver

Slivers are evil and slivers are sly;
And if you get eaten, then no one will cry.

Uh oh, Rhetoric overheard us,
And he is going to call CPS.

—(how is this a) Mogg children's rhyme

       
Squall    

Squall

Tonight the winds begin to rise...
The rocks are blown about the skies...

All of this deals only two?
Rocks deal less than Needles do?

       
Squire    

Squire

Of twenty yeer of age he was, I gesse.
Of his stature he was of even lengthe,
And wonderly deliver, and greete of strengthe.

That was sarcasm at the end.
He's famously weak, a 1/2 wimp.
Just look at his mangled purple limb.

       
Starlight    

Starlight

Even in the darkest night
Stars and angels still shine bright.

Just what makes those angels shine?
Were they eating zinc sulfide?

       
Will-O'-The-Wisp    

Will-o'-The-Wisp

About, about in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.

In case you didn't read through that
It called the wisps "death-fires."
Is that a fitting name to call
A measly 0/1 flier?

 

In closing, please tell WotC to make more cards with poems on them.  I want to write a Part 3 one day.

1 Comments

This sort of article doesn't by FierceTable at Wed, 01/01/2014 - 09:39
FierceTable's picture

This sort of article doesn't usually excite me, but I enjoyed this very much. I hope you continue to bring unique content to the site in the new year much as you have in the past. Cheers.