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Abyssal Specter
Mystic shadow
bending near me
Who art thou?
Whence come ye?
And why do ye
cost four, not three?
Can't you be
more like the Hippie?
—Stephen Crane and Cotton Rhetoric
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Colossus of Sardia
From the Sardian mountains wakes ancient doom:
Warrior born from a rocky womb.
Alas, this doom is doomed to be trapped in,
For we can't afford the amount to untap him.
—some WotC staffer and Cotton Rhetoric
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Cosmic Horror
Then flashed the living lightning from her eyes
And screams of horror rend th' affrighted skies.
But she calmed down 'fore too long a time
She cast Stone Rain; her opponent died.
—Alexander Pope and Cotton Rhetoric
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Crypt Rats
Once I dreamt of death, but now it dreams of me
And only rats and rotting flesh can hear my silent plea.
No pauper deck is safe, not slivers, elves, or goblins:
I can't believe a card like this was ever put in common.
—Mundungu chant (with editorial assistance from Cotton Rhetoric)
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Carapace
The tougher to crack,
the sweeter the snack.
Unless this card's wearer
Is something like Plaguebearer.
—Kakra, Sea Troll and Cotton Rhetoric, Land Human
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Devouring Deep
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him doth fade,
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Then again, maybe not;
This is just 1/2:
For three mana, not a lot,
Even when this was new;
Compare this guy with Serendib Efreet;
Nobody played with Devouring Deep.
—William Shakespeare and Cotton Rhetoric (I have been waiting my whole career to write that byline)
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Dwarven Soldier
Orc must die
Orc must die
Not an orc?
March on by.
Orc did die
Orc did die
But so what?
So did I.
—some dwarf and Cotton Rhetoric
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Frozen Shade
There are some qualities, some incorporate things,
That have a double life, which thus is made
A type of twin entity which springs
From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.
But this has more than a mere two lives:
Sixty-four of them can be displayed.
Talk about a benchmark design—
That's how many shades have ever been made!
—Edgar Allan Poe and Cotton Rhetoric
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Guan Yu's 1,000-Li March
He covered the ground on a thousand-li horse;
With dragon blade he took each pass by force.
If only he'd killed those who were untapped.
This all made him wonder, Can't I just cast a Wrath?
—Luo Guanzhong (translated) and Cotton Rhetoric (not)
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Hammerheim
'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view,
And robes the mountain in its azure hue.
But when close, you won't know what the fuss is;
This land is so much worse than Karakas.
—Thomas Campebell and Cotton Rhetoric
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Hurricane
The raging winds..., settling on the sea, the surges sweep,
Raise liquid mountains, and disclose the deep.
That way green... can deal X damage to the dome;
The color pie was meant to all along!
—Virgil and Cotton Rhetoric
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Hyperion Blacksmith
The smith a mighty man is he
With large and sinewy hands.
And the muscles of his brawny arms
Are strong as iron bands.
But there is something on his mind
that's making him think hard.
Why would we ever want to untap
one of our opponent's cards?
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Cotton Rhetoric
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Hypnotic Specter
...There was no trace
Of aught on that illumined face...
...that's "aught," not "ought."
Yes, here's the mnemonic you've sought...
—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric
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Karakas
To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.
Once you've made your prairie, just tap to defeat,
You can tap and defeat,
the eldrazi.
—Emily Dickinson and Cotton Rhetoric
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Lost Soul
She walks in the twilight, her steps make no sound,
Her feet leave no tracks on the dew-covered ground.
Her hand gently beckons, she whispers your name—
But those who go with her are never the same.
When they return home, they see things with new eyes.
Although they have suffered, they're now much more wise.
They know not to play with such weak cards again,
For even Bog Raiders is better than them!
—somebody and Cotton Rhetoric
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Lu Bu, Master-at-Arms
Dong Zhuo's man, Lu Bu,
warrior without peer,
Far surpassed the champions of his sphere.
This all hints at just
how bad they must have been.
Did they have no Rorix and no titans?
—Luo Guanzhong and Cotton Rhetoric
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Relentless Assault
Flog and Squee
Up the tree
See the army
Flee, flee, flee.
If you'd like,
As a spike,
Greater power:
Finest Hour.
—Goblin nursery rhyme/war cry (with creative consultation from Cotton Rhetoric)
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Return to Battle
Swallowing his eye, the valiant Xiahou Dun fought on;
But Cao Cao's vanguard, its commander wounded, could not hold out for long.
Just as well he died, so we wouldn't have to see this:
The eyeball returns, floating in a puddle (the result of his emesis).
—Luo Guanzhong and Cotton Rhetoric
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Scathe Zombies
They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.
But whether I'm asleep or not,
There's one thing I'll not see:
These 2/2 zombies rising up
Amidst a pile of sixty.
—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric
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Spinal Villain
Striking silent as a dream,
Cutting short the strangled scream...
One time in a Master's draft,
I used this guy to kill Phelddagrif...
—Tobrian and Cotton Rhetoric
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Touch of Darkness
Black spirits and white, red spirits and gray,
Mingle, mingle, mingle, you that mingle may.
This gives me a plan, that you all can use:
Combo, combo, combo, with White Knight (then lose).
—Thomas Middleton and Cotton Rhetoric
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Urborg
Resignedly beneath the sky
The melancholy waters lie.
So blend the turrets and shadows there
That all seem pendulous in air,
While from a proud tower in town
Death looks gigantically down.
They couldn't condense this, not a bit;
They had to include all of it:
All thirty-two words, and all six lines,
Cramming the poem in a font so fine,
Just for the sake of this glorified Swamp
That nobody plays, and nobody wants!
—Edgar Allan Poe and Cotton Rhetoric (frequent collaborators)
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Uthden Troll
Oi oi oi, me gotta hurt in 'ere,
Oi oi oi, me smell a ting is near,
Gonna bosh 'n gonna nosh,
'n da hurt'll disappear.
Ow, ow, ow, how come the hurt's still there?
Ow, ow, ow, evasion isn't fair.
I can reach a vanilla creature,
But not one in the air.
—Traditional (tirelessly modernized by Cotton Rhetoric)
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Vampire Bats
For something is amiss or out of place
When mice with wings can wear a human face.
Did you say "wear a human face"? You animal—
That sounds like something from the movie Hannibal.
—Theodore Roethke and Cotton Rhetoric
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Wall of Ice
And through the drifts the snowy cliffs
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken—
The ice was all between.
Between two Juggernauts, that is,
and 'neath a flying roc,
An Evil Eye of Orms-by-Gore
Was all that it could block.
—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric (A.K.A. the dynamic duo)
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Wall of Vapor
Walls of a castle are made out of stone,
Walls of a house out of bricks or of wood.
My walls are made out of magic alone,
Stronger than any that ever have stood.
This was a claim that was true once before;
People would look at this wall and go "ah!"
That was way back in nineteen-ninety-four;
Now we have Fog Bank and Guard Gomazoa!
—Chrysoberyl Earthsdaughter (who is not real) and Cotton Rhetoric (who is)
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Winds of Change
'Tis the set of sails, and not the gales,
Which tells us the way to go.
Away from this pall, and to Windfall,
As all of the good mages know.
—Ella Wheeler Wilcox and Cotton Rhetoric
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9 Comments
This might be my favourite Magic-related article of this year!
Awesome article!
Do you turn into a pumpkin at the break of dawn? I am curious, as a fellow rhymer I never seem to be given a curfew.
Do you not listen to a lot of rap, or....
Flame on, I'm gone
I'm so sweet like a nice bon bon
Came out rapping when I was born
Mom said rock it 'til the break of dawn
~ Beastie
That song plus another 20 or so
I don't. It is a fatal flaw that I grew into Classic Rock as my music of choice growing up even though I am from the Boogie down. I know rappers but I just don't get out that much. Now get off my lawn! :p
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