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By: CottonRhetoric, Cotton Rhetoric
Dec 18 2013 12:16pm
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A couple of times in earlier articles, I would take a poem from a card's flavor text and add a second verse to more fully capture what the card was really about. For instance, scroll down to Bird Maiden in this link.

It would usually up being my favorite gag in the article, which soon led to the idea: what if I made an entire article of nothing but those?  And so I proudly present to you: that idea.

Now get ready for some iambs and dactyls.

 

Abyssal Specter          

Abyssal Specter

Mystic shadow
bending near me
Who art thou?
Whence come ye?

And why do ye
cost four, not three?
Can't you be
more like the
Hippie?

—Stephen Crane and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Colossus of Sardia    

Colossus of Sardia

From the Sardian mountains wakes ancient doom:
Warrior born from a rocky womb.

Alas, this doom is doomed to be trapped in,
For we can't afford the amount to untap him.

—some WotC staffer and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Cosmic Horror    

Cosmic Horror

Then flashed the living lightning from her eyes
And screams of horror rend th' affrighted skies.

But she calmed down 'fore too long a time
She cast Stone Rain; her opponent died.

—Alexander Pope and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Crypt Rats    

Crypt Rats

Once I dreamt of death, but now it dreams of me
And only rats and rotting flesh can hear my silent plea.

No pauper deck is safe, not slivers, elves, or goblins:
I can't believe a card like this was ever put in common.

—Mundungu chant (with editorial assistance from Cotton Rhetoric)

       
Carapace    

Carapace

The tougher to crack,
the sweeter the snack.

Unless this card's wearer
Is something like Plaguebearer.

 

—Kakra, Sea Troll and Cotton Rhetoric, Land Human

 

 

       
Devouring Deep    

Devouring Deep

Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him doth fade,
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

Then again, maybe not;
This is just 1/2:
For three mana, not a lot,
Even when this was new;
Compare this guy with Serendib Efreet;
Nobody played with Devouring Deep.

—William Shakespeare and Cotton Rhetoric (I have been waiting my whole career to write that byline)

       
Dwarven Soldier    

Dwarven Soldier

Orc must die
Orc must die
Not an orc?
March on by.

Orc did die
Orc did die
But so what?
So did I.

—some dwarf and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Frozen Shade    

Frozen Shade

There are some qualities, some incorporate things,
That have a double life, which thus is made
A type of twin entity which springs
From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.

But this has more than a mere two lives:
Sixty-four of them can be displayed.
Talk about a benchmark design—
That's how many shades have ever been made!

—Edgar Allan Poe and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Guan Yu's 1,000-Li March    

Guan Yu's 1,000-Li March

He covered the ground on a thousand-li horse;
With dragon blade he took each pass by force.

If only he'd killed those who were untapped.
This all made him wonder, Can't I just cast a Wrath?

—Luo Guanzhong (translated) and Cotton Rhetoric (not)

       
Hammerheim    

Hammerheim

'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view,
And robes the mountain in its azure hue.

But when close, you won't know what the fuss is;
This land is so much worse than Karakas.

—Thomas Campebell and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Hurricane    

Hurricane

The raging winds..., settling on the sea, the surges sweep,
Raise liquid mountains, and disclose the deep.

That way green... can deal X damage to the dome;
The color pie was meant to all along!

—Virgil and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Hyperion Blacksmith    

Hyperion Blacksmith

The smith a mighty man is he
With large and sinewy hands.
And the muscles of his brawny arms
Are strong as iron bands.

But there is something on his mind
that's making him think hard.
Why would we ever want to untap
one of our opponent's cards?

—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Hypnotic Specter    

Hypnotic Specter

...There was no trace
Of aught on that illumined face...

...that's "aught," not "ought."
Yes, here's the mnemonic you've sought...

—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Karakas    

Karakas

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.

Once you've made your prairie, just tap to defeat,
You can tap and defeat,
the eldrazi.

—Emily Dickinson and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Lost Soul    

Lost Soul

She walks in the twilight, her steps make no sound,
Her feet leave no tracks on the dew-covered ground.
Her hand gently beckons, she whispers your name—
But those who go with her are never the same.

When they return home, they see things with new eyes.
Although they have suffered, they're now much more wise.
They know not to play with such weak cards again,
For even Bog Raiders is better than them!

—somebody and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Lu Bu, Master-at-Arms    

Lu Bu, Master-at-Arms

Dong Zhuo's man, Lu Bu,
warrior without peer,
Far surpassed the champions of his sphere.

This all hints at just
how bad they must have been.
Did they have no Rorix and no titans?

—Luo Guanzhong and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Relentless Assault    

Relentless Assault

Flog and Squee
Up the tree
See the army
Flee, flee, flee.

If you'd like,
As a spike,
Greater power:
Finest Hour.

—Goblin nursery rhyme/war cry (with creative consultation from Cotton Rhetoric)

       
Return to Battle    

Return to Battle

Swallowing his eye, the valiant Xiahou Dun fought on;
But Cao Cao's vanguard, its commander wounded, could not hold out for long.

Just as well he died, so we wouldn't have to see this:
The eyeball returns, floating in a puddle (the result of his emesis).

—Luo Guanzhong and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Scathe Zombies    

Scathe Zombies

They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.

But whether I'm asleep or not,
There's one thing I'll not see:
These 2/2 zombies rising up
Amidst a pile of sixty.

—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Spinal Villain    

Spinal Villain

Striking silent as a dream,
Cutting short the strangled scream...

One time in a Master's draft,
I used this guy to kill Phelddagrif...

—Tobrian and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Touch of Darkness    

Touch of Darkness

Black spirits and white, red spirits and gray,
Mingle, mingle, mingle, you that mingle may.

This gives me a plan, that you all can use:
Combo, combo, combo, with White Knight (then lose).

—Thomas Middleton and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Urborg    

Urborg

Resignedly beneath the sky
The melancholy waters lie.
So blend the turrets and shadows there
That all seem pendulous in air,
While from a proud tower in town
Death looks gigantically down.

They couldn't condense this, not a bit;
They had to include all of it:
All thirty-two words, and all six lines,
Cramming the poem in a font so fine,
Just for the sake of this glorified Swamp
That nobody plays, and nobody wants!

—Edgar Allan Poe and Cotton Rhetoric (frequent collaborators)

       
Uthden Troll    

Uthden Troll

Oi oi oi, me gotta hurt in 'ere,
Oi oi oi, me smell a ting is near,
Gonna bosh 'n gonna nosh,
'n da hurt'll disappear.

Ow, ow, ow, how come the hurt's still there?
Ow, ow, ow, evasion isn't fair.
I can reach a vanilla creature,
But not one in the air.

—Traditional (tirelessly modernized by Cotton Rhetoric)

       
Vampire Bats    

Vampire Bats

For something is amiss or out of place
When mice with wings can wear a human face.

Did you say "wear a human face"? You animal—
That sounds like something from the movie Hannibal.

—Theodore Roethke and Cotton Rhetoric

       
Wall of Ice    

Wall of Ice

And through the drifts the snowy cliffs
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken—
The ice was all between.

Between two Juggernauts, that is,
and 'neath a flying roc,
An Evil Eye of Orms-by-Gore
Was all that it could block.

—Samuel Coleridge and Cotton Rhetoric (A.K.A. the dynamic duo)

       
Wall of Vapor    

Wall of Vapor

Walls of a castle are made out of stone,
Walls of a house out of bricks or of wood.
My walls are made out of magic alone,
Stronger than any that ever have stood.

This was a claim that was true once before;
People would look at this wall and go "ah!"
That was way back in nineteen-ninety-four;
Now we have Fog Bank and Guard Gomazoa!

—Chrysoberyl Earthsdaughter (who is not real) and Cotton Rhetoric (who is)

       
Winds of Change    

Winds of Change

'Tis the set of sails, and not the gales,
Which tells us the way to go.

Away from this pall, and to Windfall,
As all of the good mages know.

—Ella Wheeler Wilcox and Cotton Rhetoric

 

It's the break of dawn; I have to stop rhyming now.

9 Comments

Bravissimo! by athariel at Wed, 12/18/2013 - 17:59
athariel's picture

This might be my favourite Magic-related article of this year!

Brilliant! by MagicGatheringStrat at Wed, 12/18/2013 - 18:19
MagicGatheringStrat's picture
5

Awesome article!

Do you turn into a pumpkin at by Paul Leicht at Wed, 12/18/2013 - 19:49
Paul Leicht's picture
5

Do you turn into a pumpkin at the break of dawn? I am curious, as a fellow rhymer I never seem to be given a curfew.

Do you not listen to a lot of by CottonRhetoric at Wed, 12/18/2013 - 19:56
CottonRhetoric's picture

Do you not listen to a lot of rap, or....

Flame on, I'm gone I'm so by Adam_the_Mentat at Wed, 12/18/2013 - 22:58
Adam_the_Mentat's picture

Flame on, I'm gone
I'm so sweet like a nice bon bon
Came out rapping when I was born
Mom said rock it 'til the break of dawn
~ Beastie

That song plus another 20 or by CottonRhetoric at Thu, 12/19/2013 - 08:23
CottonRhetoric's picture

That song plus another 20 or so

I don't. It is a fatal flaw by Paul Leicht at Thu, 12/19/2013 - 03:07
Paul Leicht's picture

I don't. It is a fatal flaw that I grew into Classic Rock as my music of choice growing up even though I am from the Boogie down. I know rappers but I just don't get out that much. Now get off my lawn! :p

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