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By: CottonRhetoric, Cotton Rhetoric
Mar 28 2013 10:44am
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If you haven't already read them, here are the first two articles in my series. Yes, I'm calling it a series now.

  • #1: all about bears
  • #2: lions, hounds, ghouls, looters, and ball lightnings
    Urza's Bauble

Now for some new content....

Category #1

Best 0cc artifacts

(other than mana producers, because those would steal the whole list)

Does anybody need me to explain that moxen, loti, and Mana Crypt are good? Good.

Zuran Orb     5    

Zuran Orb

It's fallen out of favor this last decade or so, but it had a pretty long time in the sun before that. It kept defensive decks alive. It let mono-black Necropotence decks draw more cards. And it formed a pretty strong combo with Balance.

It was also a go-to card when any internet debates started about whether life gain was good. Nobody really has those debates anymore, as there are a lot of obviously good life gain cards now, but there didn't used to be. No, we used to be stuck with Alabaster Potion and El-Hajjâj. And if you've never seen an Unholy Strength on an El-Hajjâj, you haven't been playing for as long as I have. (Or you've just never played the Shandalar video game.)

Side note: can you believe El-Hajjâj is not the only card to have a double-J in its title? Click here for the other.

             
Welding Jar     4    

Welding Jar

It's thanks partly to artifact lands and partly to 0-mana artifacts like Welding Jar that an affinity deck can get a first turn Frogmite and send it over on turn two wearing any number of equipment.

And unlike this card's spiritual successor Darksteel Relic, it had a use later on after we no longer needed its enabling. It could save our Arcbound Ravager's life! Welding Jar wasn't the splashiest card in a deck full of Skullclamps and Cranial Platings, but the fact that it was able to run alongside them at all is evidence of its strength. It played two important roles in a deck so broken it led to a historic nine cards being banned from standard! Of course, the monster still lives on in other formats.

             
Ornithopter     3    

Ornithopter

New players are confused by Ornithopter, and it doesn't take long before they deem it worthless. But if they stick around in the game even longer, they see that it actually has quite a few uses.

There are decks that put a Cranial Plating on their Ornithopter. There are decks that pump it up with Tempered Steel. And there were decks back in the day that used it to get a Turn Two Ninja of the Deep Hours connecting and drawing cards.

Ornithoper is a card that bubbles back up with a new use every few years. I don't doubt that we'll be talking about it again in 2016.

             
Memnite     2    

Memnite

Remember that Tempered Steel deck I was talking about two paragraphs ago? It also ran 4 Memnites. And next to the other powerful weenies that white and colorless can provide, and with all of the other ways white synergized with artifacts, it was a formidable deck.

Before we had Burning-Tree Emissary, we had Memnite. It's smaller, but it's just as free, and it comes out a turn sooner. And, I repeat, it's an artifact, which gives it all kinds of combos.

Thanks to Memnite, we may never use Eager Cadet again. Or perhaps I should say, "We may continue to never use Eager Cadet."

             
Tormod's Crypt     1    

Tormod's Crypt

Graveyard decks like dredge and reanimator are so strong that without dedicated hate they would dominate everything. So how do you stop a Turn Two Exhume? With a Turn One Tormod's Crypt. (Or a Turn Zero Leyline of the Void, if you prefer.)

Graveyard hate, like artifact hate, is the glue that holds metagames together.

 


Congratulations! Did you know this is the only card to mention Tormod? Including flavor text!

 

 

Honorable Mention:
Ashnod's Coupon

Think of how drastically the tournament scene would have changed were this not silver bordered!

With Trinket Mage, Copy Artifact, and especially Auriok Salvagers, you could have your opponent running errands all day. In some venues, it's a two-minute round trip to the nearest vending machine and back, especially when you have to sneak past all of those crowded chairs....

Yes, for the price of a few sodas, you can turn any would-be loss into a draw. The round will inevitably run out before your shenanigans are over.

Sadly, like most Un- cards, this one could never work online. Even if you allow for postage costs and shipping time, the post office restricts the shipment of anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable; drinks are 3 out of 4. And WotC asks us not to divulge our names and addresses to opponents besides.

  Fountain of Youth  

Wheatless Chaff:
Fountain of Youth

Remember what I was saying about bad lifegain in the game's infancy? I bring you Fountain of Youth.

Admittedly, this Antiquities card was drastically better than Alpha's Farmstead, but I'll put it to you this way:

If Fountain of Youth was 0 to cast and 0 to activate, would it be playable yet? Of course not. Not even back then would that sound like a deal.

Get out of my FACE Fountain of Youth!!! (Sorry for my breach in professionalism everybody but this card got me riled up.)

    Pyrokinesis

 

Category #2

Best Pitch Spells

definition: a card whose mana cost may be skipped by paying something else instead

It is probably not a spoiler to say that Force of Will is #1.

Daze     5    

Daze

While sifting through potential candidates, I was amazed at how many good ones there are! Unmask, Soul Spike, Land Grant, and Contagion didn't make the list. So why did Daze?

Like Unmask, it sees Vintage play. Like Unmask, it can stop your opponent's game winning bombs. Unlike Unmask, you can use it on your opponent's turn, and after they tap their mana for the spell you just foiled. And unlike Unmask... this card is blue, which thanks to Force of Will gives it yet another use.

             
Fireblast     4    

Fireblast

"I'm at 14 life! I can stall for a few turns before going in for the win."

Opponent untaps, casts Incinerate, casts Incinerate, casts Fireblast, casts Fireblast, gg!

Fireblast is good because it wins you games you had no right winning. It messes up your opponent's math, and it gives you that last bit of reach to finish things up when you looked to be out of steam.

I'm not going to miss those mountains very much when I just won the game and am shuffling my permanents back into my deck anyway. It's like Kaervek's Spite... but it's free! And in a color with enough burn spells to complement it properly.

             
Invigorate     3    

Invigorate

This card was a worthless joke for most of its life. Then infect was a mechanic, it shot from 2 cents to $5, and it was banned in pauper.

Like Fireblast, it has a thoroughly meaningless drawback. But whereas Fireblast only takes off 20% of your opponent's life, this card takes off 40% of their poison capacity. All it needs to work is for your guy not to get blocked.

             
Gush     2    

Gush

It's been banned, it's been restricted, it's been unrestricted, and it's been a 4-of in some of Vintage's most powerful archetypes.

There's something about free card draw that players seem to like. All of a sudden, affinity decks looked like chumps for paying that single U for their Thoughtcasts! And if returning islands seems like a drawback, remember that Fastbond returns them into play just as quickly... and it returns them untapped. You are actually producing mana while drawing cards. Unless you'd rather just discard them to your Psychatog.

             
Force of Will     1    

Force of Will

Do I need to explain this one? Do I?

It's the most expensive card on MtGO. It's a 4x in almost every vintage archtype there has ever been since its printing in 1996. It's often regarded as the one single card responsible for keeping vintage fair. It stops Turn One kills. It makes your opponent overthink everything. It rewards skilled play. And it even has fittingly great artwork.


Congratulations! As if you needed the ego boost.

 

Blazing Shoal

 

Honorable Mention:
Blazing Shoal

If you had never been told about this card's use, it probably is not obvious at first. But it allows for first turn kills when discarding any of the 10-mana red spells. A lot has to go right with your opening hand to actually make it happen. But even if it takes until the 3rd turn to set it up, it has a very large surprise, win-out-of-nowhere factor.

  Crash  

Wheatless Chaff:
Crash

Like red doesn't have enough ways to destroy artifacts! Now you want us to sacrifice a mountain and get card disadvantage to do it?

This isn't some Fireblast card where sacrificing mountains makes me win the game. It just removes a single threat! Then I have to play the rest of the game without that mountain.

 

    Arcades Sabboth

 

Category #3

Best Elder Dragons

definition: a card that is both an elder and a dragon (there are not a lot of these)

Has anyone ever thought of making these commander generals? They have, you say.

Vaevictis Asmadi     5    

Vaevictis Asmadi

Triple firebreathing!

This doesn't make him any harder to chump, but if your opponent has no blockers, this guy can seal the deal the quickest of Legends' dragons.

Ironically, he has the puniest-looking art of the five.

             
Palladia-Mors     4    

Palladia-Mors

Now this dragon is hard to chump.

Lord of the Pit was a 7/7 flying trampler first... but Palladia-Mors' upkeep cost was a little easier to pay. Especially given the card pool available when they were first printed! Breeding Pit was about your best option, costing you almost as much mana every turn, and an additional card besides.

             
Arcades Sabboth     3    

Arcades Sabboth

This dragon legend actually acts like a general! He pumps up your whole army. He's even sitting on a throne.

His ability to pump up his own toughness isn't too useful, unless he battles it out with another dragon mid-air. That would be pretty exciting.

             
Nicol Bolas     2    

Nicol Bolas

It might be a controversial choice to put Nicol at #2, as he's most people's favorite. I can see why he would be. If he connects even once, your opponent will have a very hard time ever coming back.

It's too bad he doesn't have Palladia-Mors' trample, huh? Still, he's not the worst choice for a Through the Breach target.

             
Chameleon Colossus     1    

Chameleon Colossus

Yes, the best card to be both an elder and a dragon is Chameleon Colossus. Who did you think I was going to give the award to, Chromium? Please! Chromium's text box might as well say "protection from double Serra Angel," because that was about all it could ever hope to do. In fact, strike that—Chromium's text box might as well say "shmopity shmorpity" for all of the good it does. Chromium is a vanilla flier. Chromium makes you pay 8 mana for a lousy Enormous Baloth with wings. I could have Avacyn, Angel of Hope for that much mana. I could have Griselbrand!  I could have a titan with counterspell backup! This guy is an Air Elemental stapled to a Phantom Monster!

I wouldn't play with Chromium if my opponent just flashed back an Increasing Devotion with Levitation and Grand Melee on the table and then Donated me his Primal Rage!!

I hate Chromium!!!


Congratulations! You know, this guy could beat any of the original Elder Dragons in a fight anyway.

 

    Juzam Djinn

 

Category #4

Best Juzáms

definition: any 5/5 for 4 mana

If Juzám is a 5/5, how big is that guy he's holding? We might have Magic's first ½/½— even before Little Girl hit the scene.

Plague Sliver     5    

Plague Sliver

An obvious nod to the original Juzám himself, Plague Sliver had a lot going for it. Efficient stats and a negligible drawback are the most obvious features, but did you notice the way it hoses opposing sliver decks? It's the only sliver that does that! And therefore it was a favorite card of mine to use in the casual room back when sliver decks were more popular. (Boy are they annoying.)

It did put up a few small tournament appearances in its day. It was hampered a little by power creep—a Juzám just wasn't as impressive in 2006 as it was in 1993—but also by the fact that it was hard to have two out at once. 4 life every turn! Ouch.

             
Rumbling Slum     4    

Rumbling Slum

Travel back in time 8 months before the release of the Time Spiral block. We hadn't yet seen Plague Sliver, and in fact we hadn't seen a good Juzám of any kind in over half a decade. When Rumbling Slum popped up on spoiler sites, people were gasping and predicting it to become the format-defining bomb, this standard block's own incarnation of Kokusho, the Evening Star. I did my best to counter everyone's praise, admitting its efficient stats but insisting "it is after all only a vanilla creature," but I was drowned out wherever I went. This thing's applause was defeaning.

Then the set came out, and tournament lists started getting posted. In the end, the results were pretty squarely in the middle of those two arguments. Rumbling Slum popped up in a couple of Top 8s, but only a couple. Most Gruul decks prefered Giant Solifuge in their 4-mana slot.

             
Juzam Djinn     3    

Juzam Djinn

The original gets #3 on the list! As stated above, these stats were even more impressive back in 1993 than they are today, in a world where you can just give them without a drawback to Deadbridge Goliath... and add a bonus on top of that! He toppled the second-biggest 4-mana threat in Erhnam Djinn and he shrugged off the Lightning Bolts that got Juggernaut down. He was just as impervious to Terror, and without the vulnerability to Shatter.

Remember, Arabian Nights was the first ever expansion set. The only other cards in existence were the ones set forth by Alpha. Other than the creatures I just mentioned, there were only two others that cost 4 mana and had a power of 4 or greater. One was Phantasmal Forces—a good enough card if your opponent didn't have a Scryb Sprites out. The other was Serendib Djinn—admittedly with a size and evasion greater than Juzám's, but with a much more difficult upkeep. And with the inability to appear on Turn Two off a Dark Ritual.

             
Phyrexian Obliterator     2    

Phyrexian Obliterator

It has the most impressive build of any card on this list. So why isn't it ranked #1?

It suffers from what's commonly known as Spiritmonger Syndrome—it's a fine card with no home to go in. In a different format, this could have been one of the best threats available. But in the one it was in, mono black aggro just didn't have a presence, and that was the only place this Horror could conceivably fit.

Maybe Magic 2014 will reprint him and Dark Ritual both, and he can assume the reign of terror he deserves. It seems unlikely.

             
Blastoderm     1    

Blastoderm

Now this was a card with a format tailor-made for it. One of the strongest decks at the time was a green-red aggro deck called My Fires, centered primarily around a Fires of Yavimaya / Saproling Burst combo. And while Fires of Yavimaya was turning gigantic Saproling tokens into hasty menaces, it was doing the same for Blastoderm.

A creature designed to swing only 3 times and deal 15 damage was now able to swing a 4th time and do an additional five.

Its shroud prevented us from giving it Fires' +2/+2 bonus... but it also prevented our opponents from doing much of anything at all to stop it. Very few tournament-worthy creatures of the day were big enough to trade with it. And teaming guys up to take it down only opened up the defenses to let the huge saprolings through!

Calciderm was printed several years later but just didn't have that kind of support.

 


Congratulations! What do you have against tree houses, anyway?

 

Rathi Dragon  

Honorable Mention:
Rathi Dragon

He opened the eyes and quickened the pulse of everyone who first saw him. A Juzám that flies! Not even Balduvian Horde could do that.

But we analyzed it more carefully and realized that no, it wasn't good. Because Terror had always existed, allowing our opponent to three-for-one us, and for half the mana we had spent. And if that wasn't enough, do you know what card was printed in the same set as this guy?

Man-o'-war. Imagine this guy against Man-o'-War, which was a 4-of in every blue deck of the day worth its salt. Because let me tell you, the only thing worse than getting your Rathi Dragon killed was getting him bounced and then killed. Now you're out 4 mountains and a creature and a whole lot of tempo besides.

If he had only had Blastoderm's shroud!

  Goblin Psychopath  

Worthless Chaff:
Goblin Psychopath

Psychopath is right! I almost gave the award to Saprazzan Outrigger or Yukora, the Prisoner until I reread this card.

Ohhhh, is this bad.

The original Juzám deals you damage too, but not this much! And when he does deal you damage, he doesn't become any less useful in combat!

No, this guy's unreliability is the even greater offense than his backstabbingness. Away with ye, chaff.

 

    Prodigal Sorcerer

 

Category #5

Best Tims

definition: any creature that taps to (without additional frills or restrictions) deal damage to a single creature

The nickname came from a character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail and was first applied to Alpha's Prodigal Sorcerer (see right).

Granger Guildmage     5    

Granger Guildmage

He came down early, he took out some key opposing creatures (for a negligible fee), and then he swung in for a couple! The opponent would rarely want to waste removal on him, a mere 1/1 in a deck full of scarier threats, but he was deceptively powerful.

He also had a white ability that most people ignored, much the same as Shadow Guildmage's blue ability was ignored, as were the entire other three Mirage guildmages. This guy gets the nod over the black mage though for having more of a home: he appeared in a multicolored aggro deck whose biggest claim to fame is being the first ever deck to bear the title "zoo"!

             
Fireslinger     4    

Fireslinger

Prodigal Sorcerer himself had very limited mainstream success, but look at what happened if you knocked a single mana off of his cost! Players were all too happy to live with his drawback.

Fireslinger may have been more expensive than the previous block's guildmages, but he had two distinct advantages. He was free to use, and he was monocolored. This expanded the number of decks who could use him, striking fear into many of the format's defining decks.

             
Icatian Javelineers     3    

Icatian Javelineers

Proper Tims cost three mana, like the original, but did you notice the pattern that playable Tims all cost less? This is a pattern that will continue across numbers 2 and 1, by the way.

Icatian Javelineers came down the fastest and was used the cheapest, even if he was only usable once. But that was enough in a white weenie deck, which had something no green or red deck did: Crusade. This guy attacked just fine next to a 3/3 White Knight after slaying a Birds of Paradise (or some equally important piece of the opponent's puzzle).

"While you on stage babblin' my lyrics is travelin' like a javelin to stab-you-in the abdomen." —Canibus

             
Sparksmith     2    

Sparksmith

If you played any Onslaught block limited, you spent a lot of time either winning with Sparksmith or losing to Sparksmith. He was amazing.

The amount of damage he deals you is staggering... yet by the time the dust settles, you are the only one with creatures still on the battlefield, so your opponent is unlikely to take away your remaining few life points anyway.

And he was common. You would take all you could of him, and as Goblins they pump each other up, making themselves and each other even stronger.

He earned constructed success too, but there he was merely good. In limited, he was an all-star.

             
Grim Lavamancer     1    

Grim Lavamancer

There are two schools of thought around this guy. Some believe he's the best Tim of all time, and some believe that since he deals 2 damage instead of 1 he isn't a Tim in the first place. Nobody in their right mind would argue that he is a Tim but not the best of them.

How many other creatures tap to deal more than one? A few, but how many do it so cheaply? None. And how many do it without a drawback? (Make no mistake, Grim Lavamancer has no drawback, despite a few irrelevant words you may see in his textbox.) Again, none.

The lavaman takes down all sorts of creatures, and even sends damage to the dome to finish opponents off. He's dominated many different formats, sustaining his throne even as power creep takes over his contemporaries one by one. It will be a long time before they print something better at this card's job.


Congratulations! You know, you have nothing to be so grim about.

 

Suq'ata Firewalker  

Honorable Mention:
Suq'ata Firewalker

Now here's a real Tim! Three mana and all!

He loses a point of power, so he can't do the block-and-ping to take down a 2-toughness creature. But how often did that come up anyway? The more important change was that he gained "protection from Lightning Bolts," a boon well worth the additional blue mana.

  Whipkeeper  

Wheatless Chaff:
Whipkeeper

Hey, could you do me a favor and keep my whip for me? Oh, you can! Good!

Could you do me another favor and help me win the game? You say you can't... oh....

You say that you can never help us trade favorably, and at best can only change our losing situation into losing by less? Well that is a surprisingly fair self-evaluation, and I thank you for it, but I am still not going to put you in my deck.

 

See you next time!

2 Comments

PatrykG's picture
5

One question, though - how did Goblin Sharpshooter not count as a Tim? Yes, he doesn't untap normally, BUT he wrecks havoc against other Tims, and against any token strategies. No other Tim has that ability, plus the ability to stay untapped randomly while still doing damage (whenever a creature's about to hit the graveyard, ping something!)

Cunning Sparkmage should have by RexDart at Fri, 03/29/2013 - 15:42
RexDart's picture

Cunning Sparkmage should have made that list, it saw plenty of play both with and without Basilisk Collar. Although Collar may have been a factor, its haste was enough. In the ALA/ZEN standard it showed up in Naya to kill BoP and Hierarchs from the Mythic and Bant Conscription decks. In ZEN/SoM standard, it was part of the evolving CawBlade mirror match jockeying, as UWr had some brief success against UW, before UWb with IoKs became the choice for winning the mirror.